Natalie Portman Meets Hungry Hector

(FACT: Hungry Hector expresses my true feelings about the movie Black Swan haha)

In Hollywood California, a casting director and a producer sat in the producer’s luxurious office, and the casting director stood in front of the producer’s desk, anxiously as the producer sat at the desk on the phone and speaking more and more angrily. “What do you mean no one can find her?” the producer yelled into the phone. “Well didn’t she go camping in the woods upstate to research the movie role like we suggested?... Could she still be up there?.... No sign of her?! Goddamn it, you have no idea where she might be? She’s our leading actress, we need her!... Okay, thanks anyway.” He hung up and looked at the casting director. “That was Lindsay Lohan’s agent, he doesn’t know where Lindsey is either…. She hasn’t been seen or heard from since she went up to camp in the woods.” These two men were in preparation of a new big name motion picture with a good amount of big name actors that was supposed to begin filming very soon. They had cast Lindsay Lohan in the lead role as a young woman who is a thrill-seeking adventurist, and goes camping in the woods in search of a legendary colony of fairies. When they had selected Lindsay for the role, the casting director had suggested that she go up into an area of the woods that was a well known camping location and get a little in touch with nature and the wilderness to research the character. But that was five days before, and now, Lindsay had inexplicably gone missing.

“Goddamn it!” the casting director said, exasperated, hitting himself in the head and sitting down. “Well this is horribly inconvenient, we start shooting in two weeks! Here we are nice enough to cast Lindsay frickin Lohan in a high ranking film like this as a gift-wrapped opportunity for her to get her show business career back on track. And what does that little bitch do?! She flips us the hypothetical finger and disappears! I bet she’s off the wagon again Jim. She’s probably in Las Vegas right now snorting coke off of a random guy’s back, and we’re left stuck here without a leading woman!” He sighed. “You would think she would at least have the decency to LET US KNOW she was going to pass on the part.”

The producer shrugged, standing up from his desk. “Well, it’s not really the end of the world Sam, we have plenty of other reputable actresses on the line. Hell, half of the big female names in Hollywood showed up for the audition, and a lot of them were great for the part. Check and see, who was our second choice?”

Sam looked on his laptop and clicked something, looking at the screen. “Uh, second choice was Natalie Portman. I just hope she hasn’t accepted another movie role.”

“Wonderful,” Jim said with a grin. “Natalie’s a great face to put on screen, especially since it’s been two years since Thor came out, she’s due for another box office hit. I’ll get her agent on the phone.”

Natalie Portman was delighted to accept the part. Once she confirmed, the casting director extended the same advice that he had to the missing Lindsay Lohan. He advised her to go to this area of the woods north of LA that was great for camping but very secluded and remote. This was the best way to research the part of this character. Natalie agreed and that weekend she went out in the woods by herself to camp.

In the clearing in the woods that she had chosen, Natalie began to set up camp. “Ugh, what was I thinking getting a manicure right before camping?” she mumbled to herself after scraping some of her nail polish off while trying to hammer a tent stake. “And wearing high heels probably wasn’t my best idea either. But hiking boots just look so peasant-like and not stylish.” She continued to complain to herself, especially when the sun began to set and the mosquitoes came out swarming. But, little did Natalie know, there were much bigger and scarier things in these woods to worry about being bitten by than mosquitoes. And he was lurking in the woods right by Natalie’s clearing watching her hungrily. This camp that she had chosen was right near Hungry Hector’s domain.

“Hehehehehe,” Hungry Hector chuckled to himself quietly, watching Natalie Portman clueless and trying to set up her camping equipment. “What tasty morsel has wandered into my woods this time?” He eagerly looked at Natalie’s slender thighs, and the rest of her that looked more than good enough to eat. His stomach growled eagerly. “Hmmm,” he thought, staring at the unsuspecting celebrity prey. “Now that Lindsay Lohan was pretty tasty, but somehow I have a feeling that THIS one is going to taste a little better. He smiled and lurked and waited for the sun to descend. After all it was not quite dinnertime yet.

Normally on a Friday night at nine pm Natalie would have been on her way to some big important A-list Hollywood party with a lot of actors and alcohol and drugs. But since she was in the middle of the woods instead, she did not quite know what to do with herself. After she cooked food and ate it and looked up at the stars a little, she decided she might as well go to bed. When she crawled into her sleeping bag she felt the hard ground underneath her. “Ugh, I miss my big feather bed in my big Hollywood home,” she said pouting and it took a long time for her to fall asleep.

She did not stay asleep very long however. Something woke her up a half hour later. It felt like something was moving around her sleeping bag. She lifted her head at once, terrified that a snake or something had found its way into the tent. But it was much worse than that. She screamed at the top of her lungs when she saw the giant monitor lizard that had its head through the entrance to the tent and attempting to wrap its tongue around her feet. “No, go away!” she screamed, kicking at the monster’s mouth and trying to get up. “Go away!”

Hungry Hector smiled as he opened his jaws wider and got his long and eager tongue under one of Natalie’s ankles. “Not a chance missy, it’s dinnertime and I’m not letting perfectly good meat like you go to waste.” He began to inch his long tongue up her calves. “I am gonna EAT YOU WHOLE.”

“MMMPH,” Natalie struggled and whimpered, fighting against the hungry tongue. “No… Get off!” she screamed. She managed to get her feet free from Hungry Hector’s mouth and kicked him hard in the snout. As fast as she could, she got up, bolted out through the other side of the tent and ran as fast as she could in the dark woods. “Help me!” Natalie screamed as she ran, crying and whimpering through the forest. She could hear the booming footsteps and chuckling behind her and heard trees being knocked over as Hungry Hector chased his dinner through the woods. “Help me! A big freaky talking lizard is gonna eat me! Somebody please help me!” But unfortunately for her, there was no one around for twenty miles to hear her scream.

The footsteps only got louder behind her as Hungry Hector gradually caught up. At one point she managed to get the courage to look behind her as she ran and saw Hungry Hector’s ravenous, anxious face only a couple yards behind her. She looked back in front of her and gasped in fear and stopped. She had come across the edge of a cliff. She looked down, shaking with fright and biting her nails. It was a multiple hundred foot drop and there was a rapid river below. She was trapped. Even she knew that as she heard the footsteps of the hungry lizard slowing down behind her. Slowly, she turned around in horror to face her predator.

Hungry Hector stopped running when he was only about five feet from the doomed Natalie Portman. He was panting from running, but smiling since he had successfully cornered his dinner. “Boy, that was quite a chase,” he said, looking Natalie up and down again taking in her hour-glass figure. But I have a feeling that you’re a meal that’s gonna be worth it.” He opened his mouth wide and began to move it closer and closer to poor Natalie and she whimpered, seeing the gaping hungry mouth moving in to devour her.

“No, no, wait please!” she begged, backing up against a tree looking at the wide open mouth and tongue approaching. She shook her head. “Please don’t eat me. You can’t eat ME, you just can’t!”

Hungry Hector paused curiously and looked at Natalie. “Hmmm, that’s funny. I mean I’ve had prey struggle and beg for their life before… but you’re the first dinner I cornered that implied that I was not ALLOWED to eat it when begging for its life. You say that like you’re an important morsel or something. What makes you so necessary to the world that I quote “can’t” eat you? And tell me quickly because I’m hungry and I wanna get chowing down!”

“Because I’m a celebrity!” Natalie screamed, still backed up tight against the tree. “I am Natalie frickin Portman! I’m a movie star, I’ve won two Golden Globes and an Academy Award. I’m a big name in Hollywood.”

“Hmmm,” Hungry Hector said thoughtfully. “You know that was a familiar argument you just made. That Lindsay Lohan chick used the same “don’t eat me because I’m a celebrity” argument on me, just before I ate her whole like a pickle. And I’ll tell you the same thing I told her. I doubt the fact that you’re a celebrity has affected your flavor very much!” He chuckled and moved closer to Natalie hungrily.

“Oh my god, you ATE Lindsay Lohan?!” Natalie screamed, covering her mouth with her hand. “But they told me she just turned down the part.”

“Yeah I ate her,” Hungry Hector confirmed with a nod. “And if I do say so myself, the way I caught her was better than any “Parent Trap”…. Hey she deserved it anyway, she was a “mean girl.” Ha, and they say Lindsay Lohan jokes went out of style. Besides….” He looked at Natalie again. “I’m not sure I believe you that you’re a celebrity, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a movie.” He opened his mouth wide again and extended his tongue out toward her along the ground. It began to wrap itself around the feet slowly and work its way up.

Natalie whimpered and tried to kick the tongue away but it didn’t work this time. “Oh you must have seen me in something,” she said desperately as the tongue wrapped its way up her shins and calves squeezing her legs together. “Um, let’s see… I was in Free Zone… No Strings Attached… Brothers…”

Hungry Hector shrugged as he moved his tongue farther up Natalie’s slender legs hungrily. “Sorry sweet pea, I have NEVER seen or even HEARD of any of those movies. I think you’re just making those up MMM.” He smiled. “I can tell you lived in France for a while, these thighs taste kinda like froglegs.”

The tongue was now wrapped all the way up past Natalie’s stomach and boobs, and pinned her arms to her sides so she could not move at all. Hungry Hector then pulled with his tongue and Natalie was yanked onto her back on the ground. She whimpered as she was helplessly pulled toward the gaping mouth by the tongue which she could not fight against. She thought quickly. “Um… STAR WARS, yeah I was in all three of the Star Wars prequels!”

“Oh were you?” Hungry Hector asked, but still pulling her in. Her feet and ankles were already in his mouth and now her knees and thighs were getting pulled into the dark gullet. “Good, if you were in Star Wars you’re probably used to being around giant scary creatures like me, then not much of this is new to you.” Natalie cried and whimpered and shook her head as her body disappeared into Hector’s eager jaws. Then he paused again and looked down at her closely. “Hmmm, you know I think I do recognize you,” he said despite having his mouth half-full of a Natalie Portman dinner. “Weren’t you in that movie Black Swan?”

“Uh, yes I was,” Natalie said breathing a premature sigh of relief, and attempting to nod even though Hungry Hector’s tongue was holding her neck pretty secure. Maybe her filmography would help save her after all.

“Oh yeah,” said Hungry Hector. “I did see that movie… It was boring, depressing, completely overrated and if I live to be 200 years old, I will understand what women saw in that flick. It was just two hours of some pussy straight-edge virgin chick going insane because she couldn’t play a bird on stage. And I think the only reason they put that make out scene between you and Mila Kunis in there was because they realized how terrible the movie was otherwise and critics would spit all over it if they didn’t…. Now I’m gonna eat you just out of principle. I’m not gonna let you loose in the world to make more crap like that.” He began to pull her shoulders and head into his jaws slowly.

Natalie gave on more futile struggle against the tongue as the shadow of the mouth passed over her face. “No, wait, pl-.” But the last syllable was never heard because Hungry Hector snapped his jaws closed. He gave a good hard swallow and felt her limp body pass down his throat and into the stomach, which stopped growling. He smiled and made his way back into the forest. This felt like two birds with one stone to him. He had done Hollywood and moviegoers everywhere a huge favor… AND he had gotten a tasty meal out of the deal.

Back in Hollywood word came back to the film studio three days later that Natalie Portman had not been seen or heard from since Friday. Immediately it was assumed by the production that like Lindsay Lohan, Natalie had just chosen to back out of the movie without telling everyone. Most people assumed she had packed up and flown to Paris again and would show up in a week or two. So to resolve this, they contacted the agent of the third actress they had chosen from the casting auditions. A week later, once again on the suggestion of the casting director Jessica Alba was out in the woods setting up camp to research the part of this character. And once again Hungry Hector was lurking and watching in the bushes near the clearing. He smiled and licked his chops watching Jessica Alba. “Lucky me, it looks like I’m getting a third course,” he said to himself as he began to creep into the clearing. This time he simply could not wait until dinnertime this time.